Altercations with authority figures: Sometimes I have them.
Blankets: I hog them.
Cats: They are my best friends. (Pictured below: Bubba Lee Kinsey licks Phoenix's face.)
Desire to travel: The only reason I want money.
Energy level: It is generally low.
Food: I suck at cooking it.
Generalized social anxiety: I have it.
Hairbrush: I'm not sure where it is.
Intuition: I base important decisions on it.
Jewelry: The weirder, the better.
Kansas City Royals: I'm going to keep taking their shit.
Lies: I suck at telling them.
Modesty: I have none.
Nudity: Sometimes it accidentally happens in front of the window.
Openness about thoughts and feelings: It's only achieved when drunk.
PMS: When I have it, you will know.
Quiet: I am, excessively.
Random and socially inappropriate things: Sometimes I do them.
Shyness about farting: I do not have it.
Twenty-three-year-old, creepy, balding sociopath: He proposed to me when I was 16.
Underwater creatures: They're neat, and one day I will live near them.
Very tall coffee sleeve tower: It is my pride and joy. (Pictured below: Containing coffee cup sleeves from Starbucks, The Roasterie, Muddy's, Einstein Bros. and 7-Eleven, my three-foot-tall coffee tower is nearing the ceiling of my office.)
Whiskey and wine: I like them.
Xavier: He's my godson, and he's more important than you.
Yoga: Without it, I'm a bitch.
Zack Grienke: He's on my shit list for marrying a supermodel and moving to Milwaukee.