Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

valentine's day from A to Z

In honor of Valentine's Day, I figured it was only appropriate to compile a whiny, self-loathing list about why I'll probably die alone in a silver bullet trailer surrounded by my 35 cats, who will then proceed to eat me.

Altercations with authority figures: Sometimes I have them.
Blankets: I hog them.

Cats: They are my best friends. (Pictured below: Bubba Lee Kinsey licks Phoenix's face.)

Desire to travel: The only reason I want money.
Energy level: It is generally low.
Food: I suck at cooking it.
Generalized social anxiety: I have it.
Hairbrush: I'm not sure where it is.
Intuition: I base important decisions on it.
Jewelry: The weirder, the better.
Kansas City Royals: I'm going to keep taking their shit.
Lies: I suck at telling them.
Modesty: I have none.
Nudity: Sometimes it accidentally happens in front of the window.
Openness about thoughts and feelings: It's only achieved when drunk.
PMS: When I have it, you will know.
Quiet: I am, excessively.
Random and socially inappropriate things: Sometimes I do them.
Shyness about farting: I do not have it.
Twenty-three-year-old, creepy, balding sociopath: He proposed to me when I was 16.
Underwater creatures: They're neat, and one day I will live near them.
Very tall coffee sleeve tower: It is my pride and joy. (Pictured below: Containing coffee cup sleeves from Starbucks, The Roasterie, Muddy's, Einstein Bros. and 7-Eleven, my three-foot-tall coffee tower is nearing the ceiling of my office.)

Whiskey and wine: I like them.
Xavier: He's my godson, and he's more important than you.
Yoga: Without it, I'm a bitch.
Zack Grienke: He's on my shit list for marrying a supermodel and moving to Milwaukee.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

the snowplow stalks its prey

A fearsome, reviled predator prone to extended periods of laziness and indifference, the snowplow is not dead; it is only sleeping.

(Created on the third day after the Blizzard of Oz dumped a foot of snow on KC and they still had not plowed my street.)

Friday, February 4, 2011


every day
sunlight pressing against window
at top of wall
(too high to see out)
never penetrating
(no golden shaft, heavy and hazy with dust;
i will die of rickets in here).
at this point i'm certain
i've lost my mind.

shoulders slouch.
head hangs
turns when forced
in response to a cough, a knock
rotates on creaky hinge
rusted joint
piece of forgotten equipment
battered by extremes.
(what if i smashed face into desk,
drove nose bone into brain.)
skin is slack, falling off face.
mouth hangs open
releases indifferent string of vowels
and occasionally: "fuck."

lunch pulled from plastic bag
corporate-mandated portions
250 calories
devoured facing forward
six browser windows open.

eyes bloodshot
always bloodshot
ten hours sleep, still
lifeless glass doll eyes
popped out
new ones snapped in
still bloodshot.

weight is dead
and cold.
every nerve
in body, pinched.

stay the fuck young.
drive too fast into sunset
arm out window
cool air conducting tiny hairs --
electric body singing 
horizon spitting pink, purple, orange
covering you in luminescent fibers.

avoid coming back 
for as long as you can.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

using celebrity names as verbs

A brief dictionary of fictional and real celebrity names that can be used as verbs:

Homer Simpson:

  1. to gluttonously and unceremoniously shovel food, especially junk food, into one's mouth
eg: "I was so hungry, I homer-simpsoned half a bag of Doritos in under five minutes."

Syn: Peter Griffin

Shane MacGowan:

  1. to repeatedly overindulge in booze and/or drugs with disregard for one's own mental and physical health and hygiene
  2. to defend one's appalling drug and/or alcohol-induced behavior by citing the eccentricities of the artistic temperament
  3. to go on a lifelong bender
eg: "I love tequila so much, I'll shane-macgowan until the day I die, hangovers be damned."

Syn: Charles Bukowski, Amy Winehouse, John Frusciante

Tom Cruise:

  1. to walk around with a false sense of entitlement (coll. "douchebag")
  2. to demand respect without earning it
  3. to assume one is above the trivial societal rules everyone else must follow
eg: "My basket of groceries was heavy, so I tom-cruised to the front of the line, even though everyone else was there first."

Syn: Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton

Mischa Barton:

  1. to inexplicably make gains or advancements in one's personal and/or professional life, despite having no discernable skills or talents
eg: "I was totally not qualified for that job, but I mischa-bartoned my way into an interview, and somehow they ended up hiring me."

Syn: Britney Spears, David Hasselhoff  
Heidi Montag:

  1. to desire constant attention (coll. "fame-whore")
  2. to outstay one's welcome
eg: "My friends wanted to go to bed at nine, but I made them stay up while I heidi-montagged on their couch drinking beer and watching cable until midnight."

Syn: Kim Kardashian, anyone on American Idol, Sarah Palin, Ashton Kutcher

Jay Leno:

  1. to be the only one laughing at one's own jokes 
eg: "John made me watch 25 videos on YouTube of him playing Beach Boys songs on his brother's key-tar. I was falling asleep in my chair, but he was jay-lenoing like mad the whole time."

Syn: Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Adam Sandler

Tracy Jordan:

  1. to be consistently and unapologetically hilarious and awesome
  2. to be just self-centered enough not to notice your obvious shortcomings and possible mental illness
eg: "After dinner she seemed bored, but then I started tracy-jordaning. I was all, 'vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they'll never have the chance to prove it.' She ate it up."

Syn: dolphins, Zack Grienke, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace