Friday, June 17, 2011

reasons i'm not going to my high school reunion

The self-appointed "committee" keeps spamming me via Facebook and e-mail, so I know it's coming: My ten-year high school reunion, something that in my mind is akin to the ten-year anniversary of my narrow escape from being forced to shank someone in prison.

Granted, I hated them all at the time (or at the very least 85 percent of them), but I stopped caring about them approximately nine years ago and began devoting my energy to more important things, like popping zits and brushing my cat.

Here are the other reasons I'm not going to my high school reunion:

1. I can live without chugging a bottle of champagne, smashing it on the ground, brandishing it like a weapon and screaming, "You're all cunts, all of you! I still hate you all!"

2. What will I wear? If I dress too formally, it will look like I'm trying too hard; if I wear flip-flops and jorts (read: dress how I normally do), everyone will assume I live in a van down by the river; if I wear a simple, casual dress, it won't fit quite right and my black bra will hang out because it always does, and everyone will assume I bought it at Target. And they'll be right -- I will have totally panicked at the last minute, purchased it at Target on my way to the venue and put it on in the parking lot. There is no way to win.

3. I don't remember most of my junior and senior years of high school. Confession: I smoked a lot of pot. But also I'm not sure I want to remember -- I was in a fucked-up relationship with a real sorry excuse for a male human at the time, and I'm afraid returning to the scene of the crime, so to speak, will cause long-dead emotions to rise from their graves like zombies, gnaw my flesh and slurp my brains like spaghetti.

4. Some of my former classmates are going to be fat and ugly now. Some of them are going to be bald; others are going to be wearing mom jeans. Due to excessive tanning, others are going to resemble a leather handbag that was left in the rain, then the sun, and then rediscovered in a dumpster by a homeless lady who uses it to haul around aluminum cans and bits of wadded-up tissue. Still others are going to be smoking hot, and I'll probably want to check out their asses. Do I care who falls into which category? Not especially. I'd much rather use my imagination.

5. I have nothing to say to these people. I haven't seen them in ten years. I don't want to see pictures of their kids. I don't care where they work, if they still live at home, or if they, as sheltered Midwestern kids from the suburbs, tried to make it in the "big city" and either failed or were wildly successful. At this point, it's the same as hearing this shit from some stranger I just met at the grocery store who won't shut the fuck up when all I want to do is go home so I can put my ice cream in the freezer.

6. Facebook. Enough said.


wiredwriter said...

So fucking agree. It would be a fucking waste of time, gas, money, and everything else that I would "spend" on such a totally fucking useless event. What really would be the goddamn point. Tell it.

JJSKCK said...

I did go to mine, which was organized before the advent of Facebook (an aside: how badly did screw up their opportunity to be...well, Facebook)?

It was thrown together at the last minute, and very little effort went into it. How little? My friend found out about it two days before it happened because "the committee" never contacted him. Never mind that he was LISTED IN THE KANSAS CITY PHONE BOOK.

The event itself was reasonably enjoyable, but I say that as someone who liked most of my classmates. If I had skipped it, I wouldn't have missed much--and again, this is before Facebook and its constant updates on people you may or may not care about.

(Never mind that I was dating a very combative person at the time, who started a big fight as several of us caravaned over to a casino, causing my night to end angrily and prematurely.)

Appearance-wise, our class was a little pudgier, but I was impressed with how well we held up overall. There were even a couple "wow-when-did-they-get-hot" moments.

Then I realized: if someone looked like total shit, they weren't going to show up anyway. This probably goes quadruple for SoJoCo.

Danny T. said...

I have basically nothing to say, since almost completely all of the above is why I didn't go to mine a few years ago. The like three people with whom I wanted to stay in touch from my class... I did. Most of my good friends weren't in my class, so I really didn't care. Let me know when it is, and we can go get shitfaced and wear what we want and find a group of people at some bar to whom we can lie about how successful we are. It'll feel much more fulfilling to fool complete strangers than people who you knew were gullible and stupid ten years ago.

Hyperblogal said...

I actually WENT to mine last year. It was the worst experience of my life. You know you're in trouble when there's an ambulance stationed right outside the hotel. The italian singer was from the class of 70 A.D. and knew ONLY italian songs.... Volare TWICE. My table mates were all hooked to oxygen tanks and looked like rejected prunes. People from my class kept talking about the good old days... which were NOT the good old days .. they were something I survived. Frankly, I detested every second of every class I had and I think the fact that I went to the reunion speaks poorly of my sanity.

A.M. Lutz said...

Oh, I love it. This helps me be totally confident in my decision to skip it, especially since I didn't like most of my classmates (Blue Valley High School - dunno if you guys are familiar with it, but it was a breeding ground for horrible little JoCo snobs). Also, I'm still in touch with the people I was actually friends with in HS. And some of them are planning to go, so they will be able to update me on the hot-or-not factor, should I decide I want to know. Heh.

Hyperblogal said...

Have them wear hidden cams and tell folks that you would have been there but you were all chafed from your home detention ankle bracelet.

Jenn said...

Heads up- I am pretty sure Rachel and Jenny are planning a kidnapping ploy. I however am avoiding it by legitimately being out of town. Convenient how my trip falls on that weekend. 

A.M. Lutz said...

Ha! Where are you going? Pretty sure I'll be out of town that weekend as well. If not, I'm going to be sick with something horribly contagious that will require me to be quarantined. Yes, I can foresee these things in advance. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hell to the no! In fact, mine was tonight. I didn't associate with the majority of those people in high school so why start now.? I can picture it now. Those that hung together in high school will hang together at the reunion. The jocks and the cheerleaders and beauty queens will all be together. The middle of the road people will hang together and the nerds will hang together just like they did back in good old high school. LOL. From what I have seen on Facebook many of those folks don't act any differently than they did 30 years ago anyway and that's not necessarily a good thing. We are talking late 40s and almost 50-year-old people with the mental attitude of a 17-year-old. In fact some teenagers may behave better than these people do! They did find me on Facebook and I was invited but I'm just not interested and it won't make or break the rest of my life if I skip it. I know who my friends are and I'll keep up with them on Facebook or otherwise.