using celebrity names as verbs

A brief dictionary of fictional and real celebrity names that can be used as verbs:

Homer Simpson:

1. to gluttonously and unceremoniously shovel food, especially junk food, into one's mouth

eg: "I was so hungry, I homer-simpsoned half a bag of Doritos in under five minutes."

Syn: Peter Griffin

Shane MacGowan:

1. to repeatedly overindulge in booze and/or drugs with disregard for one's own mental and physical health and hygiene
2. to defend one's appalling drug and/or alcohol-induced behavior by citing the eccentricities of the artistic temperament
3. to go on a lifelong bender

eg: "I love tequila so much, I'll shane-macgowan until the day I die, hangovers be damned."

Syn: Charles Bukowski, Amy Winehouse, John Frusciante

Tom Cruise:

1. to walk around with a false sense of entitlement (coll. "douchebag")
2. to demand respect without earning it
3. to assume one is above the trivial societal rules everyone else must follow

eg: "My basket of groceries was heavy, so I tom-cruised to the front of the line, even though everyone else was there first."

Syn: Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton

Mischa Barton:

1. to inexplicably make gains or advancements in one's personal and/or professional life, despite having no discernable skills or talents

eg: "I was totally not qualified for that job, but I mischa-bartoned my way into an interview, and somehow they ended up hiring me."

Syn: Britney Spears, David Hasselhoff  

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Heidi Montag:

1. to desire constant attention (coll. "fame-whore")
2. to outstay one's welcome

eg: "My friends wanted to go to bed at nine, but I made them stay up while I heidi-montagged on their couch drinking beer and watching cable until midnight."

Syn: Kim Kardashian, anyone on American Idol, Sarah Palin, Ashton Kutcher

Jay Leno:

1. to be the only one laughing at one's own jokes 

eg: "John made me watch 25 videos on YouTube of him playing Beach Boys songs on his brother's key-tar. I was falling asleep in my chair, but he was jay-lenoing like mad the whole time."

Syn: Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Adam Sandler

Tracy Jordan:

1. to be consistently and unapologetically hilarious and awesome
2. to be just self-centered enough not to notice your obvious shortcomings and possible mental illness

eg: "After dinner she seemed bored, but then I started tracy-jordaning. I was all, 'vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they'll never have the chance to prove it.' She ate it up."

Syn: dolphins, Zack Grienke, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace

day 36: i celebrated christmas in july

I am fairly certain Christmas in July is more fun than regular Christmas. Not only can it be celebrated poolside, but all the money you'd normally spend on gifts can be reallocated to buy booze.

Despite Saturday's incessant thunderstorms, Christmas in July at my friend L.'s house was a joyful occasion of tacky holiday vests featuring cats in scarves, snowmen in earmuffs and be-glittered poinsettias and trees, jingle bell necklaces, gold lame scrunchies and spiked fruit punch.
 
And best of all, you didn't have to worry about getting a little too smashed and cussing out great aunt so-and-so who always gets a little too pushy about when you're going to get married already. In fact, as long as you were sober enough to climb on a pool raft, you were pretty much golden.

box wine holiday
by Charles Bukowski*

she insists mistletoe
is poisonous
before snatching it from the corner 
of the tabletop umbrella
and cramming it in her cheek
like a wad of chewing tobacco.

i watch and drink my wine,
sunset blush from a box
i tore apart
to squeeze out 
the last bit of color.
the sun's set but
sweat still trickles down my chest
and there's a rock in my shoe.

"you'd like that," she says,
spitting the wad of green
atop a cigarette butt in the pool.
"you'd fucking like that,
wouldn't you?"

her teeth are wine-stained
her lips crusted with the red dregs
she sucked down several hours ago 
while sprawled on the concrete
her toes dipping in the water
bouncing across the surface like stones 
as she laughed toward the sky 
and told me she felt 
invincible.

i yank down the other sprig of mistletoe
and jam it in my mouth.
it is bitter on my tongue.

*not really. i wrote it. i probably enjoy imitating bukowski more than i should.