Thursday, May 13, 2010
day 1: i met a pulitzer prize-winning author
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
if you're bored then you're boring
Considering my recent propensity to park in front of the tv for three-hour Law & Order marathons and my something-approaching-genuine interest in the outcomes of paternity tests on the Maury Show, I fear I'm reaching this state, so I am going to vow to try something new every day. And to force myself to blog about it. Which sadly means I'll be spending less time looking at the following:
- fucking Facebook
- People of Wal-Mart
- Passive-Aggressive Notes
- Go Fug Yourself
- Cake Wrecks
- Huffington Post
- Look at this Fucking Hipster
...and much more time slyly (or perhaps not-so-slyly) giving the finger to the gray matter that composes so much of adult life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Among mung
The recipe
1 cup dried mung beans, washed and rinsed
5 cups cold water or vegetable stock
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
1 teaspoon garam masala
4 teaspoons canola oil
1 medium onion, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 or 3 large tomatoes, chopped
a 2 inch piece of ginger, peeled and minced
2 or 3 serrano peppers, very thinly sliced (do not remove the seeds)
1 cup coconut milk
2 medium or 1 large chicken breast (optional)
1/2 cup minced fresh cilantro
salt to taste
juice of 1 lemon
The process
I’m not gonna lie – spicy mung bean soup sounds wholly unappealing, because what does it rhyme with? A name my dad might give cow manure before laughing and saying, “Smells like money!” In fact, when I was about 12 I was playing “golf” with my cousins on my grandma’s farm, and we were teeing off from dung piles in the pasture (I know, I know). The game ended abruptly when the front of my shirt got splattered after a cousin’s errant swing.
Unfortunate word associations aside, everything else in the recipe sounds delightful, and it came highly recommended from a friend. I make the pilgrimage to Whole Foods in Overland Park to hunt down the exotic Indian spices I’ll need, as well as the mung beans themselves. When a stocker at the store tells me they don’t have my mung, I begin to panic and wonder what would make an acceptable substitute – lentils, perhaps? Surely not kidney beans – but luckily he locates them in the bulk foods section, and moments later I am among mung.
When I get home, I sit all the ingredients out on the counter, and they’re just nice to look at, like I am a legit cook who knows exactly what she’s doing. Even Phoenix jumps up to inspect my loot.
For cooking music, I start with “If I Should Fall from Grace with God” by the Pogues, and the inherent booziness of “Fairytale of New York” triggers my subconscious desire to get hammered, so I pour myself a nice, sloshing-over-the-rim glass of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon. Then, because this recipe requires a fuckload of veggies, I start chopping. When I see the immensity of the pile of chopped tomatoes alone, I am reminded yet again that I need to invest in a larger soup pot.
The recipe tells me to mix the spices ahead of time, so I put them in a bowl and set them aside. As I look at the yellow, brown and red pile sitting there like a granulated desert sunset, I can’t help but think: what if I sneezed on it?
As it simmers, the soup smells increasingly delightful, and when I’m momentarily interrupted by my neighbor who forgot his keys, I’m disappointed that he doesn’t mention the warm, wonderful smells wafting into the hallway.
The verdict
Holy fucking cats, the soup is delicious. The serrano peppers provide a biting but not overpowering spiciness, the ginger provides an unexpected but pleasant tang, and the coconut milk complements the Indian spices nicely. If I had included the optional chicken breast, it would have been off any of the following: the chart, the chain, the hook, etc.
Next up
I’m leaving the world of soup and attempting eggplant parmesan.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
getting hammered on a budget
You’re not getting a raise in 2010. Kansas City has also experienced a record-breaking 21 inches of snow, and you’re depressed, anxious, and taking it in the ass from Father Time, a meth-addicted version of Santa who leaves the house shirtless wearing acid-wash jeans from 1987 and brings back a pack of Pall Malls and some circus peanuts from the Shell station.
The good news: though you’re broke, you can still get a bit tight after your three-hour strategic meeting at work or chain-restaurant dinner with your more-successful friends. And because you’re not fermenting grape juice in a trash bag with a piece of moldy bread stuffed in your gym sock, you’ll still be high-class compared to most bums and prisoners.
But if you want to want to poison yourself with what is essentially top-shelf rubbing alcohol, there are a couple of ground rules.
1. You will be massively hungover tomorrow.
2. The booze will not taste good.
In fact, there are no concrete benefits to getting blackout drunk on cheap booze, but if you want to obliterate some intangible, abiding malaise that resides within the thorny depths of your soul, odds are you don’t care that in 12 to 18 hours your brain will try to chisel its way out of your skull and your liver will be the size of a pummelo fruit.
Here’s what you’ll need:
1 handle of Viaka, Popov, or McCormick's vodka, $12
1 jug of Carlo Rossi sangria, $10
Buying booze on a budget is the same as buying 50 rolls of toilet paper at Costco – the initial cost is slightly more than if you bought, say, a fifth, but you’re damn well not running out of that shit. And when it’s 4 a.m. and you want, no need, just one more nightcap before you stumble to bed, you want a half-full liter of vodka to work with, not the dregs of a sipped-to-death pint.Tuesday, January 5, 2010
curried lentil gloop
I can has basil leaf?
The recipe
Curried lentil soup
1 cup finely chopped onion
1 1/4 teaspoons curry powder
7 cups water
3/4 cup lentils
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons sugar
1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes, un-drained
- Sauté onions until soft. Add curry, sauté 1 minute. Add water and lentils; bring to a boil. Cover; reduce heat. Simmer 40 minutes or until lentils are tender.
- Place 4 cups lentil mixture in a blender; process until smooth. Return mixture to pan. Add chopped basil, vinegar, salt, sugar and tomatoes; cook until thoroughly heated. Garnish with basil, if desired.
After a particularly difficult zumba class, my confidence is low. I’m beginning to question my ability to build this soup, especially because, when I think about it, I’m not 100 percent sure I know what a lentil is. When I locate them at Sunfresh, I realize they are basically tiny peas. Really, pea soup? But I have committed to making it, so I toss the damn lentils in my basket.
At home I turn on Regina Spektor and drink a glass of cheap cabernet sauvignon, and I feel slightly restored. I am ready to cook.
Chopping the onion, as usual, makes my entire face drip and burn, and I am relieved to get it cooking in the frying pan. The sautéed onion mixed with curry powder smells sweetly dirty and spicy, like what you’d get if you parked a hot dog cart inside a perfume shop in the Shire. And then had sex on it.
While preparing to cook the lentils, I almost immediately suspect “7 cups of water” is a type-o, especially since it wants me to put the “lentil mixture” in the blender; I imagine seven cups of boiling hot lentils and curried onions will destroy the nearly ten-year-old blender I purchased on sale at Wal-Mart when I wanted to make margaritas one night. I text my boyfriend and tell him to come over later than planned so he won’t see me wading in the lentil lake after my blender explodes.
I switch my cooking music from Spektor to Chopin. Feeling immediately smarter, I improvise and add only five cups of water. I also decide to drain the mixture before blending. I am a genius.
While the lentils simmer, I seek the opinions of my colleagues. When presented with a basil leaf, Bubba Kinsey turns up his nose and stalks away. Phoenix, however, tries to snatch it out of my hand. I assume she's jealous because I offered it to Bubba first, but then SHE FUCKING EATS IT. I am reminded of when she stole my fresh cayenne peppers over the summer (and possibly ate them; several are still at large). She is a strange creature, but I’m glad she approves.
After draining the lentils and onions, I pour them in the blender and choose the “blend” option, pausing briefly to consider whether “puree” would work better but outright rejecting “liquefy” and “frappe.” The resulting mixture is green and resembles baby vomit.
Instead of dwelling on its appearance, I dump the green goo back in the pot and add the tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, salt, sugar and basil. It begins to take on a more soup-like appearance, and I suspect it might be edible. I lean over to inspect it more closely, and a bubble of boiling hot sludge explodes IN MY EYE. Fuck, it burns.
I turn down the heat and plunge a spoon into the mess. Surprisingly it is kind of good.
Still, it’s not fucking spicy enough for me, so I brazenly add a hefty squirt of Sriracha sauce, as well as another sprinkle of curry and a pinch of sugar.
The verdict
The end result is almost too thick to be called soup; it’s more like something you would scoop up with naan at an Indian restaurant. Still, it's rather savory and filling – my boyfriend calls it “hearty” – even though it is allegedly low-fat, and neither the curry nor the spice is overwhelming. It could have used a bit more water, and next time I would sweeten it with honey instead of sugar, but my boyfriend totally went back for seconds.
The score
This time, I made the food; the food did not make me (as in pissed off, dejected, nauseous, etc.).
Angela: 1
Food: 0
Next up:
Spicy mung bean soup
Monday, September 21, 2009
behold, indeed

I discovered this classic billboard along a rural Missouri highway while heading to the Lake of the Ozarks in 2007. Surprisingly, it didn't appear to be near a church - rural Missouri is filled with miles of winding roads, deciduous trees, porn, and Jesus - so I like to think some nearby gas station owner put it up to spread the good word, and ended up spreading the - er - slightly disappointing word instead.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
growth for the sake of growth
The Stilwell, Kansas, neighborhood where I grew up was built in the mid-70s, and it wasn't as cookie-cutter as some of the newer neighborhoods, the ones with names like Cedar Crest, Parkwood Hills, or Deer Creek; in fact, the house where my parents still live sits on a two-acre yard in which my dad plants a vegetable garden, my mom plants flowers, and my brother and I used to spend hot summer days running through the sprinklers, playing volleyball and basketball, and splashing on the slip 'n' slide. And, in the backyard, my dad still keeps homing pigeons, which he races competitively against other pigeon breeders in the KC area. These aren't your mangy, garbage-pecking street pigeons; they are big, muscular and graceful. They're kind of like if Kid Rock were a pigeon vs. if James Bond were a pigeon, or a Courtney Love pigeon vs. an Angelina Jolie pigeon. Anyway, you get the idea.
When I was a kid, Stilwell was still relatively rural, but by the time I was 16 and able to drive, big corporations had gobbled up much of the open space and filled it with strip malls, Wal-Marts, Super Targets, Taco Bells, Starbucks, etc. - you name it, and if it's a corporate franchise, you can probably find it within a 15-minute drive of my parents' home. Having such a homogeneous setting in which to do my first large-scale independent exploration (because you can't get around Kansas City, especially the suburbs, without a car) might have stifled my personal development (and led to my repeated decisions, once I turned 18 and moved out on my own, to throw myself, head first and unprepared, into unfamiliar and sometimes dangerous situations), but at the time it was all I knew. When you're 16, you're still just a kid with a drivers' license, and you'll find mystery and excitement in even the most sterile, oppressively-mauve shopping center, or the neon-lit aisles of a 24-hour Wal-Mart. You'll find it even if it's not there.
My friend E. and I would occasionally hang out in a small, wooden gazebo located in the middle of an office park called Corporate Woods. We called it "gazebo time," which meant little more than sitting on the bench smoking cigarettes and talking about boys, whining about our parents, and growing nervous about the future, maybe having a quick dash through the lawn sprinklers if they were on. There was something almost romantic about gazebo time, even if, twelve hours later, corporate drones who decided to brown-bag it would be chowing their wonderbread sandwiches in our very seats.



