Tuesday, May 3, 2011

opening my mouth and removing all doubt

Last night instead of dinner I decided to buy wine and colored pencils. If you assumed I was a total dork before, the following booze-fueled illustrations should confirm your suspicions.

1. In the bathroom of my new apartment, you can hear EVERYTHING. Not exaggerating – entire conversations (and other stuff) that occur in the bathrooms of my upstairs and downstairs neighbors are mine to behold, even the upstairs chick imitating her cat’s good morning meows and guffawing at sitcoms and the downstairs dude singing “Sweet Caroline.” Sometimes, however, when I’m in the bathroom and they’re, say, in the living room, the conversations are audible but muffled, leaving me to ponder weird, loose interpretations such as, Granny Smith’s in the foyer.”


2. Last night I went to pilates, and I’ve been doing it for at least six goddamn months (granted, not religiously), and this was the first night it actually clicked. Afterward I was so high I didn’t want to do shit except chug a protein shake, buy some colored pencils, drink wine and draw crap. And it took me a delightful 20-minute car ride to arrive at the conclusion that these were the absolutely perfect evening plans. So here’s the journey I imagine my endorphins took:


3. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love Harry Potter. But, um, they kind of cut off the series before the juiciest years of his life (and then awkwardly fast-forwarded to after them), and left out his stranger-fucking, jungle-juice-chugging college years. (I mean, come on, butter beer? That can't be as good as it gets in the wizarding world.) So, here’s a little preview of the book written about Harry when he went to college as an exchange student at Mizzou:


4. There’s not much to say about food anymore. And that is sad, because I love food, especially cheese, Indian food and hot shit that punishes my face. But lately I haven’t felt much like eating anything, for the reason this helpful diagram will illustrate:


5. Okay, so the sun morphed into a giant, stoned Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and then it penetrated my brain and shot its rays of forgiveness* down onto everyone who needed or deserved them:


6. And in conclusion, I generally find rituals of personal hygiene pretty boring. With the exception of oral hygiene, which is the absolute fucking coolest. If I could brush my teeth and floss 10 times a day, I probably would.**


*I am embarrassed to admit that I recently watched the romantic comedy “Eat, Pray, Love” starring Julia Roberts and that it made me cry. I generally dislike romantic comedies or any movie that comes out of the gate with the intention of manipulating me, but this quote really did it for me: "So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it."

** I don't really pee in the bathtub, because that is disgusting. 


wiredwriter said...

fucking love all of this. the art is fucking genius.

Anonymous said...

I wish you would write more. It amuses me.

Your pretend husband,

Billy Butler

A.M. Lutz said...

Dammit, Billy, what do you mean pretend? I thought we were in love. Don't make me hit on Hawaiian Punch to make you jealous.

Anonymous said...

Miss A.M.:

We are in love. There will be no other woman for me, as no one can match your wit and goofiness. Also, I'm pretty sure Kila Kaaihue is either gay or married.


Billy Butler

Anonymous said...

Don't listen to him. I will teach you that "Aloha" also means "Oh, God. Please more."


Kila Kaaihue.

Anonymous said...

Hey, hey:

I thought there was only one man after your heart. I still wear blue, it just happens to be in Milwaukee. Also, Billy Brewer is A FRIEND OF MINE. Do not forget the times we had together, Angela. Remember the summer of 2008, when all seemed possible and our hearts beat as one? It can happen again.

-Zach Greinke

A.M. Lutz said...

You broke my heart, Greinke. Every time your bobblehead bobbles, I feel as though I've swallowed glass. There's no coming back from that.

And Billy Butler, as long as you continue to dedicate your one stolen base a year to me, we're golden. Sorry Kaaihue - if you're still around when Butler gets traded, we'll talk.

Jane said...

This is my absolute favorite. It made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants (trite but true).

Anonymous said...

those are awesome pictures.

tornado siren