Tuesday, May 25, 2010

day 12: i watched an entire season of reality tv

Don't get me wrong - I love the Biggest Loser. I watched every episode this season and followed the contestants through their struggles and victories, and they inspired me to stay active, as for years I loathed the gym and viewed it more as punishment than self-improvement.

That said, I figured it was only a matter of time before some enterprising young chap began scheming. Because where there is money to be had, there is a way to unfairly get your grubby little hands on it.

Here is my Biggest Loser get rich quick scheme in 5 not-so-easy and potentially physically- and psychologically-damaging steps:
  1. Doughnuts: Fucking eat them. In order to get on the Biggest Loser, you need to be at least 100 pounds overweight. In season 9, the heaviest male contestant was 30-year-old Michael, weighing in at 526 pounds. The heaviest female was 27-year-old Ashley at 374 pounds. 
  2. Anger: Direct it inward. If you’re in a relationship, you might want to end it. Feel free to drink too much and overeat in an attempt to fill any voids in your life; then beat yourself up for it. With the help of super trainers Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels, the angriest contestants learn to use their rage to fuel their workouts.
  3. Make the cut: Getting on the show can be tricky; with more than 60 percent of the American population to compete with, you need to stand out. Try to be the fattest, the cockiest, the most desperate, the most optimistic, the most motivating, etc. It probably helps if you have a good reason to get in shape, such as kids or a spouse (or perhaps you want kids or a spouse but don’t feel as though you deserve them, about which you should be very vocal).
  4. Maintain: Once you’ve made the show, your goal is to be there for all 16 weeks. In order to avoid being eliminated, you need to consistently put up big numbers, so don’t blow your weight loss load all at once. Also, in the event you do fall below the yellow line and are eligible for elimination, you don’t want to be the bitch in the house like this season’s Melissa. You never know when you might need allies.
  5. Win: This is, of course, the part where your scheming pays off; not only is the Biggest Loser confident and athletic, he or she becomes $250,000 richer. This season’s winner was Michael, the heaviest contestant in BL history, who dropped to 262 pounds; in second place was Ashley, who ended at 191 pounds. Most contestants ended up losing at least 50 pounds, and some, like 24-year-olds Sam and SunShine, are downright smoking hot now. Others, like 51-year-olds O’Neal and Sherry, have simply been inspiring to watch as they regained control of their lives. Check out the before and after pictures on the BL web site. And then hit up the closest fast food drive-thru, because you’ve got some work to do.

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